The Esteemed & Continuing Antics of Lucius Malfoy
by Duchess of Inkling
Summary: Welcome, gentle reader. By now you should have realised that the stories contained within this volume are part of a humungous series of heroic epics about none other than the ever charming L. Malfoy and his lovely sidekick, S. Snape.
1. Lucius Malfoy Strangled The Pussycat

(A/N: As you may have noticed, you are now positioned, gentle reader, in the warm and not at all suffocating grip of the third part of this extraordinary saga. Do read the other two parts as well, and enjoy. Sincerely, The Duchess.)  
  
Chapter 1: Lucius Malfoy Strangled The Pussycat  
  
"A pussycat?" Lucius Malfoy replied, looking around querulously at the pussycat-less manor around him. Then Spazzy walked (or rather, stumbled) past. A frantic glint appeared in Lucius' eyes. "Ah, that will have to do." He said, advancing on his house elf menacingly. 


	2. Chapter 2: Lucius Malfoy Is A Bad Babysi...

Chapter 2: Lucius Malfoy Is A Bad Babysitter, Has His Boyfriend In The Shower...  
  
(A/N: For the uncultured among my readers, that was a reference to that extremely stupid song by what's her name. Princess Superstar. So don't take it too literally....)  
  
"Lucius, I've been trying to contact you all week, but you're away at night all the time!" Snape snarled at Lucius as he bumped into him by utter coincidence in a dodgy side street of Knockturn Alley.  
  
"Yes, I have been rather busy at night." Lucius said.  
  
"Busy?" Snape's eyes narrowed. "Busy doing what exactly?"  
  
"Babysitting, of course." Lucius replied, arching one eyebrow disdainfully.  
  
"Babysitting? Babysitting? Why on earth would you babysit?" Snape said, perplexed.  
  
"Because they're very comfortable, of course!" said Lucius.  
  
(A/N: Now THAT, ladies and gentlemen, was a PUNCHLINE. And thanks to Lady Twatterby) 


	3. Chapter 3: Lucius Malfoy's Alpine Fantas...

(A/N : sorry for taking such a while to update- I have been busy on my smut- parody which you can find under my name on this site, as well as several chapters of this.. and they just keep getting weirder, and weirder, and weirder...)  
  
Chapter 3: Lucius Malfoy's Alpine Fantasy  
  
One night, Severus Snape was just coming back from supper in the Great Hall, and unlocked his door to discover an unsettling scene. His entire office was covered in snow, and more snow was falling down from his ceiling. Timidly he crept through the door, holding up his robes to keep them from getting soaked. Just then, he noticed Lucius Malfoy, who was building a snowman that looked rather like Voldemort in a corner.  
  
"Severus!" Lucius said, stepping out from behind the snowman.  
  
"For Merlin's sake, Lucius, are those lederhosen?" Snape exclaimed, horrified. "Do you have any idea how tasteless those are??"  
  
Lucius looked down at his clothes. "Oh, I don't know. I think they're really quite nice." In the background, the snowman made a strange noise. "Richard....do learn to shut up." Lucius said, throwing a snowball that hit the snowman very hard in the face.  
  
"Lucius, what IS this, and why is it in the middle of my office?" Snape snarled, rather annoyed.  
  
"This....." Lucius said. "is my Alpine Fantasy!" and he burst into maniacal laughter.  
  
Snape awoke with a start. He reached for his wand and lit the lamp over his bed. He looked around frantically, but he could see no trace of snow or anything alpine anywhere. He sighed. It had all been nothing more but a dream... As he put his wand back on his bedside cabinet, he noticed a letter lying on it. He looked at it, but there was no sender specified. He tore open the envelope, and pulled out the card.  
  
"Severus" it said, "You are hereby invited to an exclusive party at Malfoy Manor. Guests are welcome from 21.00 onward on Wednesday the 17th. The theme shall be "Alpine Fantasy"."  
  
Trembling, Snape put the letter back, and pulled up his duvet to his eyes, staring frightfully into the dark. That night, he had to sleep with his nightlight on.... 


	4. Chapter 4: National Snape Needs Chocolat...

Chapter 4: National Snape Needs Chocolate Day  
  
(A/N: Dearest reader; I know this story is weird. The Duchess has had hardly any time lately, because of continual partaying, and the work she has been doing on her parody of The Patriot- read it, if you will; it is certainly one of my best works. Also, readers, please notice that this is an ongoing series. The Duchess adds to the story every so often, so do not think that they are finished, until she says so. Then you may safely assume that no new chapters will appear. That is all for now.)  
  
"Hullo, sun, hullo sky, hullo Severus!" chimed Lucius as he strode over to Snape who was sitting huddled in a corner of the terrace of the Hog's Head. Lucius was looking extremely sprightly today, his eyes aglow, his step even more of a strut than ever, and even his hair seemed to have gained in lustre. Snape, however, was looking rather more disgruntled than usual. His face was nearly entirely hidden behind his long, greasy hair, and even his usual scowl had grown more profound and lethal. "Severus, hullo Severus, shall we dansey-dansey?" said Lucius, sitting down next to Snape and looking around energetically. His eyes were very wide.  
  
Snape merely grumbled.  
  
"I say, I say," said Lucius. "You must try some of this strange substance that I found while going through Lupin's belongings this morning. I had some of it, and I've been feeling super-jolly ever since!" Lucius' face had assumed a strange expression. As Snape gazed at it for a while, he came to recognise it as a smile. A real, joyful smile. Snape's mood shifted from bad to apprehensive.  
  
"Lupin?" he said, thoughtfully.  
  
"Indeed, indeed." Lucius said, taking something from his cloak. "Try it!" he said, waving a strange looking object under Snape's nose and grinning deviously.  
  
Snape, after having looked at it for some time hesitantly, took it. "What am I supposed to do with it?" he said.  
  
"Eat it, of course!" Lucius huffed.  
  
Snape took a bite. This actually tasted quite good. Eagerly, he took another bite. Within seconds he had devoured it all. Suddenly, a scary change came over the Potions Master. His cold black eyes grew wide, and started to glitter wildly. He got up and looked around. Then, slowly, a big.....well, let's call it a happy scowl appeared on his face, and he suddenly ran away, giggling insanely.  
  
Lucius, however, was still sitting at their table, laughing softly to himself. He looked his usual self again, only slightly more smug than usual. His trick had worked!  
  
"Monday the 27th of March," he said, raising his glass. "Or, as it is now called, National Snape Needs Chocolate Day." 


	5. Chapter 5: Lucius Malfoy Shall Now Teach...

Chapter 5: Lucius Malfoy shall now teach you 20 ways of asking someone out for lunch  
  
"........In conclusion, it would be far more efficient if all muggles were replaced by small wooden boxes. Thank you for your time and attention. I shall now try to answer any questions you may have." Lucius Malfoy said, looking around the room arrogantly, as if daring the audience to have any questions.  
  
"I have a question," a wizard with messy white hair said. "Wouldn't your policy lead to a slow but sure extinction of wizardkind?"  
  
Lucius Malfoy opened and shut his mouth, thinking. "Ah, er, well," he said, "That is a very interesting question, but the answer would take up so much time that perhaps it would be better to discuss this over lunch some time?"  
  
The wizard's brow furrowed, and he sat down. "Any other questions?" Lucius said, in a mildly annoyed tone.  
  
"Yes," a fat and intelligent looking witch said, "How do you propose to win the votes of the wizards with muggle relatives for this? Without their support, it will never pass."  
  
"That," Lucius Malfoy said, "is a very intriguing question. However, the plan I have developed in order to execute this is so complicated, it would take far too long to explain here. Why not discuss it over lunch the day after tomorrow?" He gazed at the witch threateningly, and she sat down again, mumbling something to her neighbour.  
  
"Are you dodging our questions?" a wizard with a long black beard said.  
  
"No, but all these questions are far too..." Lucius Malfoy started, but was interrupted by a small, bald wizard.  
  
"And where do you propose to get such great quantities of wooden boxes? To me, it sounds like you just made a good deal with a producer of small wooden boxes!" he shouted furiously.  
  
"That is completely untrue," Lucius Malfoy said, straining to stay calm. "As there are so many others waiting to pose questions, I do not at present have time to counter that statement, but I shall be only too glad to discuss it with you over lunch some time."  
  
Several members of the audience now started to shout and interrupt each other. In the far right corner, a small fight broke out. Finally, the wizard with the black beard shouted to Lucius: "And where's Richard?"  
  
"I shall look forward to discussing that question with you over lunch," a voice said from under the little stand behind which Lucius was standing.  
  
"Shut it, you," Lucius said irritably, whacking Richard over the head with his cane. 


	6. Chapter 6: April Lupin's Day

Chapter 6: April Lupin's Day  
  
"Hey Lupin," Lucius said to Lupin. "Your shoelaces are untied."  
  
Lupin looked down. Lucius started to chuckle maniacally, and stumbled away, doubled over with laughter.  
  
"But I don't even have any shoelaces!" Lupin called after him. "I had to sell them yesterday so I could buy food!" 


	7. Chapter 7: Lucius vs AntiLucius

Chapter 7: Lucius vs. Anti-Lucius  
  
(A/N: To whomever it was who was stupid enough to write it: Yes, what Lucius did in Chapter 6 was mean. But, it's Lucius Malfoy. He is, to put it in your, ah, lingo: lik, OMG, a meanie!!11!)  
  
As Lucius Malfoy was walking around town, as one does, a charity worker collecting money spotted him. She came up to him, jingling her purse.  
  
"Sir, sir!" she said, hurrying to keep up with him, as he tried to get past her by walking on as if he hadn't noticed her, "Are you Lucius Malfoy?"  
  
Lucius stopped, and gazed at her for a few moments. "Er....." he said. She looked back at him expectantly. "No." he then said, and walked on, leaving the charity witch behind, looking forlorn. Just then, who should pass by but Fudge.  
  
"Ah, Lucius!" He called, raising his hands. "Just the man I was looking for..."  
  
Lucius paused, and looked at Fudge, lost in doubt about what to do. Reveal his identity, or risk the loss of Fudge's friendship? He turned, and saw that the charity witch was looking at him slyly. He had no choice. "I'm afraid you're mistaken, I am not who you think," he said, and walked on.  
  
"But.....but...." he heard Fudge call behind him, "Lucius! No, stop! Pleeeaaaase.. I'm sorry! I will bring the Creme Eggs next time, I promise......!"  
  
"....don't mention the Creme Eggs in public!" Lucius hissed back over his shoulder, and strode away as quick as he could. 


	8. Chapter 8: Lucius Malfoy Deindented Rich...

Chapter 8: Lucius Malfoy De-indented Richard  
  
(A/N: Thanks to Dr. Jan Frans van Dijkhuizen for coming up with the term 'to de-indent'.)  
  
Severus Snape was just walking up to Malfoy Manor, when a small, ugly- looking blur came speeding by, followed by a larger, black blur, wheeling something.  
  
"Lucius!" He yelled. "Is that you?"  
  
"..........yyeeeeeEEEESSS........" the black blur said as it sped by.  
  
"What are you doing?" Snape said, frowning.  
  
".....Richard looked....." the blur said, now chasing the other smaller blob that was running circles around Snape. "....a little dented...." The blur said. "....so I thought...." ".....I should......." "....de-indent......" "....him.........." "....a little....." He stopped, and the other blur, which had still been running, bumped into him, and fell backwards onto the ground. Snape thought it would be best if he took a few steps back. "Ha!" said Lucius, and started bashing Richard mercilessly.  
  
"But that's the way my face is supposed to look!" Richard said, desperately.  
  
"Try fooling someone else, Richard!" Lucius said, triumphantly, and whacked him over the head with his cane. 


	9. Chapter 9: Lucius Malfoy How do you eat ...

Chapter 9: Lucius Malfoy; How do you eat yours?  
  
On Easter morning, Cornelius Fudge was just walking down the stairs when he heard a loud banging on his door. He stumbled through the hall, scratched his head and opened it. A man in a large black bunny suit was standing outside his door. Fudge squinted at it. The bunnyman had a face that looked vaguely like Lucius Malfoy's.....but no, it couldn't be....  
  
"Happy Easter," the bunnyman drawled, and handed Fudge a large chocolate egg.  
  
"Lucius, is that you?" said Fudge, befuddled. The bunnyman did not answer him, and hopped away. Fudge looked at the egg. There was a note attached. "Have this ready at our next meeting..." it said. Fudge thought for a moment, then pulled out his wand and blasted a small hole in it. He started to scream as the white, creamy filling slowly oozed out of the hole in the egg....  
  
Remus Lupin was enjoying a quiet Easter morning in the company of a small chicken's egg that he had managed to get from a chicken in trade for some sunflower seeds that he had been saving for this year's Christmas dinner. Suddenly, there was a violent knock on his door. Warily, he got up, and opened the door. To his surprise, a man in a black bunnysuit was waiting outside. "Hello," Lupin said. "Can I help you?"  
  
"Happy Easter," the bunnyman said.  
  
"Thank you!" Lupin smiled.  
  
"Do you have any eggs?" the bunnyman said.  
  
"Yes, I do have one, I was just about to have it for breakfast.." Lupin said, hesitantly.  
  
"Would you please give it to me?" the bunnyman said. "I only have to deliver one more egg, and one broke on my way to the next house...." He looked very sad, so Lupin decided it would be quite heroic to help the Easter Bunny by giving him his own Easter egg.  
  
"Just a minute!" he said, and fetched his own egg. "There you go!" he said happily, handing it over.  
  
"Oh, thank you so, so much!" The bunnyman said, and hopped away.  
  
"Bye!" Lupin said, as he waved at the bunny. Funny, he thought as he closed the door behind him. The Easter had looked an awful lot like Lucius Malfoy...  
  
Richard woke up as something appeared in his room with a loud 'crack'. He opened his eyes, and saw something that looked like a huge bunny approach him, a mad grin on its face, and then he felt a huge knock to his head and everything disappeared.....  
  
Severus Snape was just about to go to bed, as he saw the sun beginning to rise, when he heard something knocking on his office door rampantly. Sighing heavily, he dragged himself to his office to open it. A large black bunny with Lucius Malfoy's face was standing in the hallway. "Lucius," Snape said calmly.  
  
"Happy Easter, Severus!" Lucius-the-bunny said, handing him a lifesize chocolate......thing. Snape looked at it with distaste.  
  
"What on earth is THAT?" he said.  
  
Lucius-the-bunny just sniggered. "Wait and see!" he said.  
  
"Help me," a voice that sounded very much like Richard said from inside the chocolate.  
  
"Shut it, you," Lucius-the-bunny said, and hopped away. 


	10. Chapter 10: Lucius Malfoy's Anniversary ...

Chapter 10: Lucius Malfoy's Anniversary Special  
  
(A/N: A little something to celebrate the fact that this is the fiftieth story of my Everyday Antics Of Lucius Malfoy series! Rejoice, my dearest minions! And something of affection to those of you who have actually read all fifty of them. Here's looking at you, Lady Twatterby and Golden Eleanor, my two sources of eternal inspiration, and at JK Rowling, for giggling so charmingly in that documentary about Morrissey.)  
  
It was three in the morning, and in the middle of the drawing room, amidst a sea of empty sherry bottles, Lucius Malfoy was, very slowly and wobblingly, dancing. "Hi, my name is, huh? ..my name is, what? ....my name is....Lucius Malfoy!" he sang, waving his hands a little. He had rather let himself go tonight, as it is not often one gets to celebrate such a special anniversary, and the result was this slightly disquieting scene. On a lovely silver canapé a black crumpled heap was lying. It, too, was covered in empty bottles and Creme Egg wrappers. From time to time it groaned sleepily. Behind a green curtain in the far right corner, a big lump could be observed, which was trembling slightly and surrounded by more Creme Egg wrappers.  
  
"Hi, my name is, what? ....my name is, huh? ....my name is....Lucius Malfoy!" Lucius sang, slurring. "Hi, my name is, huh?.....my name is, what?....my name is..."  
  
"Remus Lupin!" added the black crumpled heap in a dark, sarcastic voice.  
  
"No, it's not!" said the lump behind the curtain shrilly. "That's my name!"  
  
"Shut it, you..." drawled Lucius, and fell over. 


	11. Chapter 11: Lucius Malfoy, AKA 'Fanny'

Chapter 11: Lucius Malfoy, AKA 'Fanny'  
  
(A/N: I simply adore Lucius' mother, don't you?)  
  
"Oh, Gods, Narcissa," groaned Lucius Malfoy, his hands in his pretty hair, "Why did you have to invite my mother?" Narcissa, who was standing next to him at one of the windows of the drawing room, opened her mouth and was just about to speak when a very loud voice came from the hallway:  
  
"Luuuciuciucius Francis Beverley Vyvyan Evelyn Malfoy!" it yelled. "Where are your manners?" It continued to shout indistinct things, but Lucius merely groaned again and ignored her.  
  
Narcissa snorted. "Vyvyan? I'd forgotten about that one..." she said, laughing. Lucius shot her a dark glare, and walked away, to guide his mother to the dining room. Narcissa smoothed her robes and hair, and waited until she heard a loud 'crack', announcing Snape's arrival. Together they joined Lucius and Mrs Malfoy at the table.  
  
"Ah, Fanny, please be so kind as to pass me the salt," Mrs Malfoy said to Lucius, who cringed.  
  
"Mother, please," he muttered to her.  
  
"Fanny??" mouthed Narcissa at Snape, and they both snorted with repressed laughter.  
  
"Now, now, Severus Sebastian Cecil Cyril Snape, don't act like you've never heard that name before," Mrs Malfoy said, utterly undisturbed, ladling her bright green soup.  
  
Lucius smirked, and Narcissa was nearly choking with laughter. Snape slowly turned scarlet. "No need to laugh, Narcissa Robert Anthony Steven Black," Mrs Malfoy calmly said to her, her face completely straight.  
  
It was then that Lupin appeared, carrying a plate of freshly baked bread, which he was looking at hungrily. Mrs Malfoy raised both her eyebrows at him. "Oh, hello there, Remus John John John Lupin," she said, and, as the rest of the company fell to the ground, floored with laughter, serenely continued to eat her soup. 


	12. Chapter 12: Studies In Plant Form And De...

Chapter 12: Studies In Plant Form And Design, By L. Malfoy and S. Snape  
  
(A/N: Updating may be a little wonky in the direct future, as the Duchess' favourite pet has passed away and she has trouble finding inspiration now that her muse has gone. Also, reviewers please note that constructive criticism is not necessary, as the Duchess prefers sycophantic and excessive flattery. In reply to a comment about ratings; as the Duchess is Dutch, she has not the slightest idea of ratings, how they work, what they are good for and how to apply them. When confronted with questions of ratings, she will therefore reply with a loud 'Bosh' and meekly follow the advice of those more knowledgeable on the subject.)  
  
Lucius Malfoy was quietly plucking wild flowers next to the road near Hogsmeade. Every time a group of people passed, they laughed silently at the sight of that most feared and respected of wizards, sitting in the roadside, plucking flowers. After a while, Severus Snape approached, making his way with difficulty through the field, as his robes kept getting caught on plants.  
  
"Lucius," said Snape, "Draco just came to me, crying, because the Gryffindors are taunting him with the fact that his father is acting like a big sissy."  
  
"Oh yes?" said Lucius, adding a very pretty cornflower to his bouquet, "Well, that's what Narcissa said. Flowers are for sissies, she said, and she wouldn't help me, nor would Draco, so it's their fault I have to do this on my own."  
  
"Why don't you get Spazzy to do it for you?" offered Snape, looking with disgust at a bright yellow butterfly that was circling his head.  
  
"Spazzy has the coordination of Neville Longbottom drunk on Firewhiskey. He would bruise these delicate petals, crush the tender buds, and murder all innocence of these crowning glories of Nature!" said Lucius, in an increasingly emotional voice, waving the flowers around as he gestured dramatically.  
  
"Er, quite." said Snape, taking a step back. He looked around to see if anyone had noticed Lucius' display. Then he noticed Lupin, standing a bit away, also plucking flowers. "Look, it's Lupin. He can pluck your flowers for you." Snape said. Lucius looked up, and then, his eyes aglow, slowly stumbled his way towards Lupin.  
  
"Oh, hello butterfly!" Lupin was saying to the yellow butterfly, "How are you today?"  
  
"Lupin!" said Lucius, appearing next to Lupin ominously. "Give me those," he ordered, snatching the bunch of flowers from Lupin's hands.  
  
"Hm?" was Lupin's only reaction.  
  
"There we are," said Lucius contently to Snape, showing him the massive bunch of flowers as they started to head back to Hogsmeade.  
  
Behind them, Lupin was looking more and more concerned. "Hey, give those back!" he yelled after them. "They're my dinner for tonight!" 


	13. Chapter 13: Robin Fag And The Sheriff Of...

Chapter 13: Robin Fag And The Sheriff Of Not-in-my-pants  
  
(A/N: In this chapter, Lucius is suffering from a fever, causing him to hallucinate slightly. Even he would not so mad as to do this without being ill. Poor Lumpin. I did try to make it a happy ending for him, but apparently fate had other plans. I do not think Narcissa will intend to divorce him. He's far too good a shag. Well, as one can see, the rating has been changed to PG. Apparently that means 'Parental Guidance Recommended'. However, I should not recommend you to read this with your parents, unless you very badly want them to think your brains have imploded)  
  
"Halt!" a grave voice declared as Remus Lupin was crossing the grounds of Malfoy Manor on his way to where-ever he was going. He stopped, and looked around. Lucius Malfoy was standing in the middle of the lawn, wearing nifty green robes, and holding a make-shift bow and arrow.  
  
"Lucius," said Lupin. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Quiet, knave!" said Lucius. "Robin Fag demands a sum in trade for safe passage through Sherwood Forest!"  
  
"Robin Fag??" said Lupin, raising his eyebrows.  
  
"Robin Hood!" answered Lucius, offended. "Thou insulteth me, knave."  
  
"Well, I don't have any money," said Lupin.  
  
"Do not attempt to trick the noble Robin Hood!" said Lucius, aiming his arrow at Lupin. "He steals from the poor and gives to the rich!"  
  
"No, he doesn't, he.." Lupin began, but was interrupted by Snape, who came running towards the both of them.  
  
"Lucius, get back into bed," he said. "Narcissa specifically told me...."  
  
"Back! It is the evil Sheriff of Not-in-my-pants!" Lucius said, swinging around and aiming at Snape.  
  
"......Not-in-my-pants?" asked Snape. "Stop being so ridiculous, Lucius, and get back in bed."  
  
"Never! This bully refuses to give up his bloodmoney to help the rich!" said Lucius.  
  
"Lupin, give him his money so he will get back into bed. He needs his rest, said Dr Blifter." Snape said to Lupin impatiently, holding out his hand.  
  
"But I only have two Knuts and a chocolate frog!" said Lupin, his bottom lip trembling.  
  
"Well, give them to him, then," Snape replied irritably. With reluctance, Lupin gave his two Knuts to Lucius, whose face immediately turned from angry to happy, and skipped away across the lawn to his house, followed by Snape who hurried after him. Lupin took the chocolate frog from his pocket.  
  
"At least I still have you," he said. Just then, the frog wriggled from his hand and quickly hopped away, into the sunset. 


	14. Chapter 14: Lupin's Long Overdue Attempt...

Chapter 14: Lupin's Long Overdue Attempted Revenge  
  
(A/N: Dedicated to the ever lovely Pluralaralist Baby, the prettiest woman in Cannes this year!)  
  
One morning, Lucius Malfoy was logging on to the internet on the appropriately evil-looking computer he did not own, because computers were filthy muggle devices, to read the latest stories that silly, airheaded, but oh so charmingly infamous Duchess had written about him, when a dreadful sight met his eyes. Every bit of text on the computer he did not own had been changed from his usual unthreatening Verdana into that scariest of fonts; Comic Sans. Immediately, Lucius Malfoy started to scream, fell off his chair, ran away, fell over his zebraprint sofa, got up again, scrambled on, bumped into the so-not-stunned Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen, bashed into the closed door, clawed at the doorknob, and finally collapsed, a sobbing mess of wizard, against the doorpost. With his last remaining power, he managed to throw some powder into his fireplace, where Snape's face appeared moments later.  
  
"Oh God," he said, rolling his eyes, "Not Comic Sans induced hysteria AGAIN..."  
  
Outside, clinging to the also evil-looking and very Slytherin-green ivy that grew on the walls of the manor, hung Remus Lupin, who watched the goings on inside with a satisfied smirk and an expression of extreme malnutrition on his face. 


	15. Chapter 15: MALFOYS DO NOT WEAR BASEBALL...

Chapter 15: MALFOYS DO NOT WEAR BASEBALL CAPS!  
  
"I shall not tolerate this insolence!" spat Lucius Malfoy as he stormed onto the set of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, and walked right up to Alphonso Cuaron. "You must be mistaking my son for some kind of Michael Moore!" he continued, as the director stared at him, dumbstruck.  
  
"Er...." Was all he said.  
  
Lucius Malfoy looked at him for a moment, his eyes full of contempt. Then he snorted, and strode towards his only son and heir, who was standing nearby on a hill, with a strange fluffy baseball cap-like thing poised on his beautiful platinum locks. Lucius grabbed it, threw it onto the ground, stamped on it, incinerated it with his wand, jumped up and down on it to extinguish the flames, transfigured the ashes into a small wooden box, made an 8 feet deep hole in the ground with a simple spell, buried the box, and levitated the largest, ugliest house he could find on top of it. "THERE!" he said to Alphonso Cuaron. "Now will you finally understand that Malfoys. Do. Not. Wear. BASEBALL CAPS!"  
  
And he stormed off again. 


	16. Chapter 16: If You Go Down To The Woods ...

**Chapter 16: If you go down to the woods today, you're in for a big surprise.....  
**  
It was a lovely night full of moonshine, and so the Death Eaters decided to have their annual picnic. They settled down in a nice scary wood, lay down their evil-looking blankets, put down their evil-looking hamper, and took out all their evil-looking food. Lucius Malfoy was sitting next to who he thought was Snape (hard to tell what with the masks and all), and was happily munching on his evil sandwich, when several people around him started to scream like little girls.  
  
"There are ants on my sandwich!" shrieked Rudolphus Lestrange, throwing his sandwich to the ground and running away as fast as he could.  
  
"On mine, too" said Rosier, taking out his wand and incinerating his sandwich. "We should've brought a picnic table."  
  
"A picnic table...." said Voldemort thoughtfully. "You," he said, pointing at Lucius, "get on your hands and knees and act like a picnic table."  
  
"But Malfoys do not act like picnic tables!" protested Lucius indignantly, at which Snape smacked him over the head.  
  
"You're not supposed to mention your name!" he hissed at him. "Now do as the Dark Lord says!" Lucius gave him a dirty look, and reluctantly got on his hands and knees. Grinning, the other Death Eaters put their evil- looking paper plates on his back, where the ants could not get at them. With disgust, Lucius felt something crawling up his left leg.  
  
"The ants are crawling up my robes!" he whined. Snape leant over to him, and Lucius was rather disconcerted to see a very smug look appear on the professor's face.  
  
"Those aren't ants," Snape whispered. "That's Crabbe's hand." 


	17. Chapter 17: Lucius Malfoy Would Like To ...

**Chapter 17: Lucius Malfoy Would Like To Give You A.....Thimble  
**  
It was your average dark night, and a night on which your average dark wizards, Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape, were out for their usual dark activities. They were taking a walk through your average dark forest, when Snape suddenly stopped, turning even paler than he usually was, and bade Lucius, who hadn't noticed anything peculiar, to stop too.  
  
"It's a Dementor, one of the guards of Azkaban, searching the train for Sirius Black," he whispered to Lucius in a slight Manc accent.  
  
"What??? He's not sea...." Lucius said, confused, but Snape interrupted him.  
  
"It's an in-joke," he said, irritably. "Now stay here and don't move. It hasn't seen us yet." Lucius, squinting into the night, now saw a large, shadowy figure, gliding around between the trees in the distance.  
  
"So what should we do?" he said to Snape.  
  
"Nothing, you fool," Snape said. "Now keep still."  
  
"Shouldn't we give it a kiss? Isn't that what you do with Dementors?" Lucius said, already determined that this was the right thing to do, and walking away from Snape.  
  
"NO! Stay here, you idiot!" Snape hissed at him. "It's supposed to kiss YOU! Get back here!" But Lucius ignored him and was walking towards the Dementor, which had now noticed him. Snape hid his face in his hands, and waited. When he didn't hear frantic screaming, he chanced a look through his fingers, just in time to see Lucius Malfoy leaning in on the Dementor, and giving him a little kiss. The Dementor froze, looked very sexually intimidated for a few moments, and then flew away, shrieking horribly.  
  
"Well, really," Lucius said to Snape, a slightly affronted look on his face, "I'm not _that_ bad a kisser............am I, Severus?" 


	18. Chapter 18: The Snape Family Tartan

**Chapter 18: The Snape Family Tartan**  
  
Lucius Malfoy was sitting under a parasol on his back porch, when he saw a very odd looking girl in a black skirt walking across his croquet lane. She seemed rather tall and lanky for a girl....as well as.....well, ugly. He frowned, and watched her come closer. Then, as she was nearing the stairs to the terrace, he noticed, with a start, that it wasn't a girl at all. In fact, it was Severus Snape.  
  
"Gods, Severus, what on earth are you wearing? You look like a schoolgirl." Lucius called to him. Snape merely smirked.  
  
"It's a kilt, Lucius." He said, scowling at his ignorant friend.  
  
"I thought kilts were supposed to be tartan." Lucius said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"It _is_ tartan, you idiot," Snape snapped. "You just have to look very carefully." Lucius bent down and brought his face very close to the fabric of Snape's supposed kilt. But no matter how long he looked at it, it stayed a most solid black.  
  
"It's not tartan, it's black." He informed Snape, leaning back in his seat again.  
  
"It _is_ a tartan! It's black, black and black threads on a black background!" Snape growled. "It's the Snape family tartan!"  
  
"Don't be ridiculous, Severus, Snape isn't a Scottish name," Lucius said.  
  
"Well, it used to be McSnape," Snape said, thoughtfully. He was rather disgruntled when, at these words, Lucius started laughing.  
  
"Well," he gasped in between giggles, "at least you can be grateful it wasn't Richard." And started laughing again. 


	19. Chapter 19: Lucius Malfoy, Or, As Muggle...

**Chapter 19: Lucius Malfoy, Or, As Muggles Call Him, Lucius Malfoy**  
  
It was a calm summer afternoon in the local shop for fishing and mountaineering and whatnot, when suddenly Lucius Malfoy came in. "Good afternoon," he said to the slightly overweight shop clerk. "Is this what muggles call a 'shop'?"  
  
"Er," said the shop clerk. "...............yeah?"  
  
"Oh, lovely, or, as muggles would say, 'wonderful'. I should like to purchase, or, as a muggle might say, 'buy', what muggles call 'socks'." Lucius said, gazing intently at the shop clerk.  
  
"Socks?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm afraid we don't really have any socks."  
  
"Socks, socks...." Mumbled Lucius. "Maybe you would call them stockings? Or... qwertyuiops?"  
  
"Er, no, I really think I just call them socks," said the shopclerk sardonically.  
  
"Oh well," said Lucius. "Then I'll just have a couple of those knives. Or, as muggles would call them, 'knives'."  
  
"Very well," said the shopclerk. "May I see your license for those?"  
  
"Erm.." said Lucius Malfoy, looked around for a few moments, and disapparated. 


	20. Chapter 20: The Rise and Fall of the Hou...

**Chapter 20: The Rise and Fall of the House of Richard  
  
**  
"Now, Richard, please sign this form," said Lucius Malfoy, handing Richard a form and a quill.  
  
"Being fondued in 5 tons of cheese may result in....: severe burns, frizzy hair, slight headaches, an inability to stop smiling, death, etc." Richard read out, his ineloquent voice trembling.  
  
"_Especially_ the etc.," added Severus Snape, who stood sneering happily behind Lucius.  
  
"Yes, you would not want to miss the etc.," said Lucius, grinning maniacally.  
  
"I'm not going to sign that!" shrieked Richard.  
  
"Suit yourself," said Lucius, and pushed him into the vat of 5 tons of boiling cheese.

** "Thousands flock to charity cheese fondue"**  
_ by Daily Prophet reporter L. Foymal_  
  
A world record was set yesterday when the ever generous Lucius Malfoy organised the largest cheese fondue in recorded history. Proceeds were donated to the Wet and Weedy Orphanage for the Orphaned Evil. The cheesey charity dinner attracted a mass audience of great diversity; eaters ranged from rabid fangirls to rabid fanwomen, all of whom continually shrieked about 'putting the cheese where your mouth is' and went on about 'the sheer size of the thing'. Also, Richard was reported missing yesterday, but this has absolutely nothing at all to do with the charity cheese fondue, nor with Lucius Malfoy.   
Nothing whatsoever.   
Honestly.(A/N: Gentle readers! Goodbyes are sweet, sticky and delicious, and here we have ours. And Richard's, obviously. Alas, he had to die. As the real Richard will hopefully disappear quite soon from the author's life, considering his academic achievements, no more of his frustrating stupidity will be the inspiration for equally stupid works of fiction, and so it seemed folly to keep him. Indeed, the next series (the fourth! Such lasting success even we never imagined) will probably take a while in materialising, though of course that depends on our Muse, but it probably will arrive some time in the future, so keep your attractive eyes directed towards our dwelling, and keep those Crème Eggs ready and waiting always. Stay tasty, The Duchess.) 


End file.
